Ups and downs...today's a down...

Well...the last run I did was NOT the best...I only did 2.15 miles...part of that was extreme soreness from a few previous workouts, and part of it was the continued inability to get my shoes tight enough. I didn't want to do too much and end up with shin splints...I guess something is better than nothing. It makes me, kind of, dread my runs though...I guess I am anticipating pain or something. I think I will have to scale back on my cross training, so I am not so sore....

I know my last post was much more positive...I guess I'm a bit bummed about having to start from scratch and missing out on the Crackhead Challenge..I can't even imagine doing 5 miles again..I said I was grateful for the lack of "pressure", but somehow it's nice if it's a choice I can make myself..as opposed to something that is thrust upon me because of a lack of ability...Sigh..

Post run soreness...but I'm not giving up....

I just think it's funny that the title to my last post "The drought is over!" is an understatement right now as we get pummeled with non-stop rain! That first and beautiful run, after the drought, has left me with an unexpectedly high amount of soreness, but I am not giving up! My IT band and knees were screaming at me the next day, that's for sure. I know it's been a while, but I ONLY did 3 miles, flat roads, took it slow and I was incredibly sore. The foam roller has been my best friend/enemy the past few days (although I didn't help my poor IT band by going to spin class and "kicking ass and taking names" on Tuesday night) but I digress...I plan to FINALLY meet up with my peeps and homies (aka LRM group) on Saturday morning for my first group run in a REALLY long time. I will only be doing 3 miles, the relay route, but I gotta start somewhere!

And I was thinking to myself the other day, that although there was initially some disappointment in not being able to do any forthcoming races...Now, I'm relieved...relieved that I can take my time recovering "smart" without the pressure of having to be ready for a race. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about upcoming races! My tentative race schedule is as follows, with some room for adjustment...

April 3 Capital City Classic 10K
April 24 Catholic High Rocket 5k (won an age group award here last year! TOUGH!)
May 8 Women Can Run 5k (PR'd here last year, I really liked the course)
May 22 Dino Dash (I didn't get to do this one last year, looking forward to it!)
October ? Soaring Wings Half Marathon (love this course! Was my very first half-marathon)

Not really sure if a marathon is in my future, or near future, I should say...I will see how my recovery goes. I wouldn't mind doing the Tupelo 14.2 Miler again in September. Keep you posted..

The drought is over!

Approximately six and a half weeks, folks, of no running..it has come to an end! Today I ran for the first time since my marathon back on November 1st. It was GLORIOUS! The foot is not sore at this point, but I decided to take it easy, for obvious reasons...aka no running for almost 7 weeks and not wanting to overdo it the first time. My knees are a tad sore...I still cannot tie my shoe as tight as I usually do, so the insole didn't "hug" my foot like it's supposed to...but it's a start! It was the perfect day to run...sunny and 50's with a light wind. I enjoyed every moment!!

I did 3 miles running and it felt comfortable at a 10:14 pace, then walked about 0.5 miles. It sounds ridiculous...but I felt..."myself" for the first time in weeks. I am so thankful for the ability to run AT ALL right now! I was telling my blogging buddy, Jamie, today...that I would never choose it again, but I think the time off gave me some much needed perspective mentally and strength physically (cross training)...I am looking forward to getting back into it on a more regular basis.

I have opted not to do the LR Half Marathon. It's just too much pressure to try and catch up and I really don't want to risk another injury trying. Sadly, I cannot do the Crackhead or Half-Cracked challenge, but maybe next year! In the meantime, I do hope to get back into the running clinic with Dennis when he resumes and possibly the Women Can Run Clinic again, depending on my schedule. I hope to do some 5k's in the Spring and beyond that...I don't know...and FINALLY, I'm okay with that!

Can't run...let's do an Ultra!

I still can't run...and yet...I find myself really getting psyched about, not only getting back into it, but wanting to explore trail running and even doing an Ultra. I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, because it usually becomes a recipie for self-defeat, but I would really like to do an Ultra in 2010, and if not next year, then in 2011. This is probably ridiculous, at least at this point, since I can't run at all...but I guess it was ridiculous to plan to do a marathon last year when I had never run over 5 miles at a time! So....bring on the ridiculous-ness!

PS The foot is feeling a bit better and I can tie my shoes a "little bit" tighter than before...Oh well, gotta start somewhere!

32 days and counting...

It has been 32 days since I ran last...sniffle...I'm not counting the 0.3 mile attempt (aka disaster) 2 weeks ago, that resulted in...NOTHING...and having to turn around and go back home because the foot was too sore to continue. It saddens me to say that I will most likely not be able to do the Little Rock Half Marathon in March as a result. I told myself that I would accept that, and it looks like I have no choice, but it definitely continues to be frustrating and sad that I don't know when I WILL be able to run. I am still trying to keep up some cardio by doing the spin bike and some weight lifting again. Just when I think I can graduate from my Keen sandals (about the only shoes that I can wear that don't put pressure on my foot) to shoes loosely tied..the soreness returns....Geez...On top of that, wearing the Keen's probably isn't the best for my plantar fasciitis and my arch has been killing me...
I wanted to do the Indoor Tri at the NLRAC again in January, but I haven't even bothered to get myself up to the pool and obviously, I can't do the running portion.

It is a bit depressing to see all the friends and acquaintances being able to race and train for races. I really miss it. Don't get me wrong...I wish everyone the best! I just wish I could do it too. Sorry, folks, if you were looking for a happy post, you hit me on a bad day. Maybe next time!

Thanksgiving...not just a holiday...

Well....Thanksgiving is almost here! EEEEEEK! I am excited about the yummy deliciousness that will abound on Thursday...all day...mmm...

I always look forward to this particular holiday, and then I get busy and it just seems to sneak up on me! What's better than taking a whole day to look at your life, and look at all there is to be thankful for! I know...sounds easier than it is. Right now, I'm still having to be purposeful about it in terms of my not being able to run yet. I am encouraged that the foot seems to be feeling better...but....I did a little experiment last Friday to see if I could run and it was a FAIL. I was optimistic, because it had been feeling much better all week. Even when I laced my shoes, I was amazed it didn't hurt!.....fast forward 0.3 miles down the street, when YEP, it started bothering me. I tried to run with my shoes tied even looser, but I felt like my shoe was going to fall off. Sigh...I must say, I did tear up a little in frustration. Part of it was, of course, not being able to run, but mostly....it was feeling that I might have set myself back by doing that. Geez.....I hope not...

Anyway, my point being...I can still do other things, and I'm thankful for that. I have been riding my spin bike a lot and hadn't realized how much I missed it! I've also been doing the Power Pump weight class at the gym and hadn't realized how much strength I had lost! But I love the feeling of getting stronger and starting to see those hidden muscles start to peek out again. And in the midst of all this....becoming a more well rounded person and all...my desire to do a tri is coming alive again...Maybe by doing all this other stuff, I am preparing in advance for a tri attempt next year...hmmm...

So...right now...in this moment, I give thanks...for all that my body CAN do! What are you thankful for?

The stages of grief....

Five Stages Of Grief:

1. Denial and Isolation.At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

(from the http://www.memorialhospital.org/ website)


I know...this may be a tad on the dramatic side, but my inability to run lately, has been somewhat of a loss for me. I think if I knew it would be over soon, it would be easier to handle or work though, but after having tried all I know to do to help the foot situation and without much improvement, it seems as if no end is in sight. In my head, I want to make the most of this time off...rest...find other ways to exercise and basically, get a life! That's a bit harder in reality...When I decided to start training for my first marathon, over a year ago, I'll admit that it was mostly to challenge myself and see if I could really do it. Before then, I loved exercise, but hadn't run since college. Even back then, I ran to keep my weight down and basically punish myself with a hard workout, for indulging...or to stay fit for the crazy, control-freak man I was dating at the time. Running and me...well, we didn't have a healthy relationship.

Training for my first marathon was filled with little setbacks and injuries, lots of questions, and victories...as I ran further each week than I ever had before. And I thought, that once I was DONE with the marathon...goal achieved, done running..Unexpectedly, I wanted to do it again. The second time around...still had setbacks..a few less injuries...but a bit more balance and speed work every week...with someone cheering for my improvement (not just pace, but running form, being healthier, recovering smarter, and learning to set my own goals). The Bass Pro Marathon was my favorite and best race yet. Not only that, but it turns out that I LOVE running. An unexpected gift........and just for running's sake. I miss lacing up my shoes, grabbing my ipod, listening to my breath, feeling every step...

And now...two weeks later...I am grieving....back and forth between several stages of grief....I denied for days that anything was TRULY wrong, even as I put my sneakers on and couldn't STAND to have my shoes tied, finally going to the doctor after trying all I knew to do to "fix" it. I have been isolating myself, because sadly...the only DAMN thing I talk about is running and now that I can't run, the only DAMN thing I talk about or think about is NOT being able to run...That's depressing and no one wants to hear it, so I just stay away from people, so I won't be a downer. I've been angry...angry that yet, AGAIN, I am injured and that somehow any progress I make seems to be fraught with setbacks...As I look back, I know it could have happened in any run, at any time, but sometimes I wonder if the race was even worth it, because I would rather be able to run, PERIOD! Then I tell myself, YES...I'm still glad I did my race, because it was a culmination of so much hard work. I'm angry that after all this time off, I will have to start over, FROM SCRATCH, and lose all that lovely progress. I have also bargained...been depressed, thinking it will never end...and tried acceptance, with little progress.


Whether my lack of being able to run is worthy of all this drama and introspection, the feelings of grief are still there. It does not help me to ignore them, pretend they aren't there, play the "what if" game, or in general, act like a b**. Feelings are feelings...they don't discriminate, depending on whether I deem them "valid" or not...It seems like the mental stamina I practiced for the marathon, is far more applicable NOW, when faced with the unknown and things I can't control. I'm trying to make the best of what I can do and maybe the acceptance will take a bit longer. The thing is....I can't argue with how much running has become my everything...and although I love it, that's kind of sad...When I look back at my training, I realize that it has become just another way that I have come to define myself...my worth...my identity...my friends...Although I LOVE the training...the anticipation of the race, the companionship of my running buddies, the commonality of swapping stories, the challenge of pushing myself....I have neglected so many other things that mean so much to me...the MOST important, my relationship with God and my good friends. I'm not saying that I can't have both...maybe it's been poor time management or priorities...I guess I just turned to running to "fill me up", to fill that place in me that makes me feel "OK" or "worthy"....Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe that God has given me the freedom to enjoy running and get pleasure from it...but when I can't run...what does THAT do to me? It's worth a look, I guess...even though it sucks. I think the grief I am experiencing has to do with much deeper issues than not being able to run....it may just be the thing that gets me to take a long, hard look at myself...

I guess grief is part of life..I'm sure the next few weeks will be a lesson in that. Just know that I am working through some things that have some to do with running, but mostly...control...or lack of it...And don't most of us want to learn to be a little more flexible and adaptable to life, so that we don't fall apart at the smallest sign of trouble? I'm sure I won't be the easiest person to be around, but just wait it out...don't bail on me yet! Maybe you won't know what to say...or have "the answers"...that's OK...just tell me that I will be stronger through this experience. Alot of the hardest lessons in life come through hard circumstances. I am a runner..but that's just PART of who I am. Now...to figure out the rest!